My Birthday

My Birthday is January 11th and I shall be turning 19.
Not a special year. I'm planning, however, that my 20th birthday shall be a 1920's party. Flapper outfits, 20's music, "bootlegging, ect... ect...
I can't freaking wait!

Well here is a list of stuff i want for my birth day. I don't expect much off the list though.
My Amazon Wish List

Nothing

I believe i've been rather lazy lately with my blogging.
I honestly don't have much to talk about.
This is whats going on with my life.
I'm starting class January, topics of Anthropology 101, Art 101(aka Drawing), English 101, and Philosophy 210 (world religions).
I "celebrated" a typical commercialized Christmas with my dad and step mom.
I think i ate my weight in Holiday deserts this year
I'm gonna go for sushi on newyears with my friends
my birthday is the 11th
and i just bought some amazing rainbow socks from spencers. I love them more then i should love a pair of socks.
what do i have to blog about?
nothing.
I was gonna blog about sexist women but i just don't feel like it.

Sin Log #12

Envy: Last Friday i took my friend Derek to this piercing parlor and he got his lip pierced. Later I was told that we were going to get a friend of his, and take her their so she can get her eyebrow pierced. She is this 16 year old girl that lives in apartments behind one of the casinos in the area. (her place is not a nice place to live.) It turns out that we couldn't just take the permission slip to her father to sign, that her father had to be their with her. So what those she tell her father?She tells him that she wants to get her ears pierced. One second were waiting to hear from her if her father has enough gas in his car to go with her, the next we get a myspace message from her saying her dad kicked her out of her home because her sister told their father what she really was getting pierced. Derek and I were lucky enough to catch her at the library. What we do is go get something for us to drink then we take her to my place. So here i am with a girl i don't know, she's kicked out of her home at 16 and has no where to go. So i offered her a place to stay for the night and she said she'll call home in the morning. In the morning I took her home, apparently this is the third time her dads done this to her. When my dad got home he appraised me for acting on my heart then scolded me for having her here.

Pride: Last Wednesday I got my braces off.

Greed: Saturday after all the ciaos, my step mom took me to a Victorian Decorating Party. OH WOW! This woman lived in a lovely Victorian style home. Once you get inside you can see that her home was filled with antiques. Her home was a little jammed packed but it was amazing. I wish i could of explored more on my own but I didn't get the chance. She also made a lot of things herself, including curtains and such. She had a doll room, and upstairs their was so much lace. It was so beautiful, it was like being in a giant doll house. I loved it so much. I want a house similar to that, just a little less clutter.
More Greed: I decided i Really, really, really, want my tattoo... I found out how much it would cost and the lady said $150 or more, depending on the detail I want. The problem is, is getting it without my dad finding out, and getting the money to pay for it without dipping into college fund.

My Vision Board

Okay, so i'm not going all secret crazy. I don't believe that our thoughts put out a pulse of energy to bring us what we think about. I don't think that if i think about getting in an accident i'm "attracting" an accident. ect... ect... this however i was... just cus i felt like it okay?
stop harassing me!

SIn Log #11

Okay long time since i've been on here. So welcome me back and read my new post. I have a lot of anger to get out.
Wrath: My friend Derek keeps organizing my purse. I can't find anything any more! He keeps putting things in these little compartments that I don't even know about. So when I go to search for something its hidden in a place I wouldn't think to look.

More Wrath: I have a friend. She shall stay nameless. She's supposed to be my best friend, but shes inconsiderate and I'm convinced she thinks shes better than me. There are so many things I could complain about but rather then be mindless I'll just stick to this recent thing. Okay sooo remember my first finished story? well i have an updated version (not posted on fictionpress). I knew before sending it to her it would of been a bad idea. Bad idea is an understatement. So I send it to her for grammar checks. I will admit she is superior at grammar. As most of you can read from my blog monkeys are better at grammar then I am. All I wanted was grammar checks. We have different tastes in books. I have a different style then her. She is also not the literary queen she thinks she is. She prolly could write some decent cliche' Manga stories at most. (I'm trying really hard not to insult any Manga readers... Sorry if i do. I'm not a huge Manga fan and don't think Naruto and Inuyasha are worth while reads. apparently she does.) Shes making suggestions like " Sally kept asking her questions, but didn’t get any answers other than “everything is fine,” and “try to rest baby(this phrase is usually used for sleeping, I’d change it).” " and " er head turned in my direction and she leered(this word is too malicious for this) at me. " I told her that I think we should just stick to the grammar until I get an agent and see what they think. Then She gets pissed. suddenly she says shes insulted about a section she read in the book. She's mad at how i portray a doctor. She wasn't mad when she read it last night and suddenly is mad now. She also read that part before, long before this. She asks me why didn't I warn her? Suddenly shes taking everything personally. She's taking apart my word choice. I told her i have purposely placed fragmented sentences in there. She said she was fine with that the night before. Now that I pissed her off she's telling me it's impossible to correct anything because of the fragmented sentences. All the frag sentences are things like. "Peachy." and things like that. Thats just the way she works. Say one little thing and she gets out her claws. Its the way it always has been with her. I'm mostly angry at myself because I told myself not to send it to her because I knew she would critique every little thing. I though... maybe i could handle the little critiques and focus on her grammar changes. I never picked her to react like this. Shes suddenly a malling lion angry because I told her something she didn't want to hear.

Well now I got that out of my system... Feels good to get the anger out in a nice neat little rant... now i just need to find a new decent grammar checker... if only Derek wasn't such a wuss and let me send it to him. he's nice.

Gluttony: tomorrows thanksgiving... Need I say more?

Sloth: Okay so here is what I get for asking for more hours...
Friday, 11/28
03:00PM - 12:00AM WRK
Saturday, 11/29
04:00AM - 09:00AM WRK
That is right off my schedule. stupid black friday

Sin Log #10

Sloth: So today I went to work. My boss shows up late, and when she arrives she asks every one what kind of donut they like. Then leaves for about 20 minutes then comes back. So what is their to complain about? We all got a treat. That seemed to be the mind set of every one else. I was thinking different. My boss is notorious for not doing anything. She comes to work, tells us what to do and then does nothing. She looks at the clothes, and occasionally folds things and that's it. Also, we have a lack of cleaning supplies. We've been needing floor cleaner for a few months now, protective cleaning gloves for a few weeks, and bathroom seat covers for a few days (not that the last one is all that important). I've reported the first two a few times. After all I'm the one that does a lot of the cleaning because I'm the one that complains the least. Yet no one else sees the problem with her leaving to spend money on donuts. I would rather have gloves to clean our public bathrooms with then have a donut. Thank you.
Lust: I saw Eagle Eye today with my father and step mom. I would rather I had went to see it with a guy I liked. Rather then sit next to my father while he kept whispering all the stuff he knew about each actor to my step mom. The happy part though is I got to see a movie for free and I got to see Shia Labeouf in all his glorious cuteness. gah.... I can't decide who I like more, him or Robert Pattinson, the guy playing Edward in the upcoming movie Twilight. Although I'd say if I'd pick Pattinson it's only because I'm a sick twit, like all the other Twilight Fan girls. I'm not afraid to admit it. I am a twit. That reminds me, I have yet picked up a movie poster for my room. What is wrong with me? What kind of lame fan girl am I?

I never win anything!

Do you have any idea how exciting it is when it's your first time voting and your candidate wins?! The only thing i feel bad about is that Alaska still had two hours left when Obama reached 270. I hope they had their tv's off and went out and voted anyways. Every voice should be heard. Democrat, republican, Independent, and everything else should get their say.
HOLY CRANBERRY JUICE! OBAMA HAS OVER 300 ELECTORAL VOTES! HE HAS THE POPULAR VOTE TO!
AMERICA HAS SPOKEN!!!!

Leave My Bumperstickers Alone

So someone in a furry of rage tore my Obama bumper sticker off my car. All that remains is a little blue shred that is stuck. They seemed to have tried to take off my evolution sticker off as well but only managed to get a little ribbon like piece off the top. How petty. Even if they believe I don't deserve the right of free speech I do have that right and no angry bigot is going to stop me from expressing my right. Here is some of my expression of freedom of speech.
No matter how angry an opinion makes you feel like it or not they have every right to say that. So don't go around ripping off bumper stickers, breaking windows, tearing signs to show your against what ever they believe in. Instead use an equal act of freedom of speech. You don't need to make confrontation. No one is forcing you change your beliefs. You can choose not to listen.

In other news: Happy Election Day.
It is possibly too late for me to sway any undecided voters but here's my idea of what people should be aware of when going to vote.

1. Taxes are not bad. It is a fact that taxes pay for Roads, Schools, Hospitals, Feeding Soldiers, and government jobs. Also keep in mind that their are more government jobs then just the politicians. My mom has a government job working in the sex offender registry of my state. Their are also police officers, firefighters, and some scientists who rely on a tax paid salary. It is my opinion that every one should pay proportional taxes. If you make more you pay more, if you make less you pay less. To me that is fair. If you still hate taxes then I would encourage an opinion of "it's the necessary evil"
   
2. It is a Fact that their has been a rise of Gun Violence in schools in these past years. It is my opinion that someone doesn't need to own a machine gun, grenades, or other combat weapons to protect their homes. It is also my opinion that it is alright to have a riffle if you are a hunter and have a hunting license or go to the shooting range. It is also my opinion that if you are a gun collector, it shouldn't be allowed to buy bullets for combat weapons.
   
3. It is a Fact that if you support a hospital with any taxes, the hospital is going to use that to help people. Hospitals tend to not turn people away if they are dying. if someone is going to die they are going to take care of them. It is my opinion that just because a doctor saves a life of an illegal immigrant does not count as giving an illegal health insurance.
   
4. It is a fact that their is a large populated gay community in our country. It is my Opinion that the law should not be decided by a church decision. Separation of Church and State. I believe that a marriage is something defined by an individual church, and that individual church should decide if a marriage should only be between a man and a women, not the country or states decision. When you force a religious decision on a country than your forcing every one to abide by a rule for that religion despite their own beliefs. It is also my opinion that what two agreeing people decide to do with each other has no effect on the outside world and shouldn't even be a matter of debate.
5. Women are equal to men. Not better, or inferior. It is ridiculous that their still isn't an equal pay system by now in this day and age.
   

If you have not already GO VOTE!

Sin Log #8

Last night, I went with my friends to see Bill Maher's Documentary, religulous. I thought it made some very good points. I Highly recommend going to see it if your not offended when someone questions faith. I hope those that go see it keep a very open mind to it and listen to the points instead of instantly shutting down. Why do people see God as so forgiving and yet claim he is Wrathful, jealous, and hateful of people for who they are?

Pride: I got to see Obama today at the State University. He was very impressive. Of course he talked about the things that have been on every body's mind. He told us details that if you were paying attention, were things he was saying a while now. He went into his plan. There was so much positive energy flowing around that crowed I couldn't help but feel good about the future.

Gluttony: Today was good. I hung out with my friend Lani today. We went to a Sushi Bar. (note I'm a Pesco vegitarian. I still eat fish.) It was really good except I started shaking from the spicy ness and the seaweed got wrapped around my braces. That part wasn't as awesome.

Awesome. Why do guys do this? A rant on sex and being single.

Yah sure. It is totally fine to ignore me after we had spent the night together and then agreed to be friends. It's cool that you don't respond when sent you a message asking you simple questions about that concert your gonna be in. I mean you already got what you wanted from me, I made it easy enough. It doesn't matter that i feel like I was taken advantage of. That you only started talking to me for sex. You were never interested in my friendship. You just knew that I was lonely. I've should of known better that when you said lets be friends, hang out, do things some time that night that it really meant that you would just ignore me after a day or so. It's cool. I mean obviously I shouldn't of expected anything more then to be kicked to side afterwards. I'm not a person after all.


I just want to know one thing. Why me? You have a bunch of girls you know that would love to sleep with you. I've seen them at your concerts. The night of your last concert I was wondering "why I was flirting with you the week before. I saw all those other girls and the way they looked at you. You flirt with all of them. I don't have a chance. They were beautiful. I was plain." But i still continued to hit on you. You called me. You invited me over. We agreed ahead of time this wasn't permanent. After we agreed to be friends. You told me it was good. You joked and said "BFF's". I left. I haven't heard from you.


So I'm not dealing with this as well as I should be. At least I'm not constantly calling him. His inbox isn't stuffed with items from me. I don't write love poems about him. I don't sing at his doorstep. I'm trying not to seem clingy. It's not like he ended my virginity or anything.
I just like his company as a friend. I thought he was fun. He told me things that made me care about him.
He asked me if I wanted to go out with him like a boyfriend and I told him that I didn't know him well enough for that. I kind of did want to date him but I assumed that was what guys don't like to hear. I had learned from other guys that they don't like it when girls want to rush into things like relationships. I'm totally cool with that. I'm trying to pace myself.

I didn't want to be one of those girls that withheld from sex with a guy to get what she wanted. That feels artificial to me. Especially when I know I want the sex.
Unfortunately this has happened twice to me now. This one guy, I thought was very nice, after sex twice he started ignoring me. He smile and wave awkwardly but wouldn't talk to me like he used to. I wondered what I did wrong. Did I creep him out? Did I act weird? Why couldn't we be friends any more? Is there no such thing as friendship after sex?

I have heard somewhere that their is an old cave man instinct. The cave mans instinct was to mate with as many women as possible. The Cave Woman wanted to look for one Cave Man to take care of her. Is that what guys do? Not to be sexist or anything, but is that what it is?

I haven't had a good relationship yet in my life. The longest relationship I had was three months. I lost my virginity to a guy who didn't give a shit about me. The only guy that wanted something long term freaked me out. Every one tells me I'm just too young. If that was true why don't most of my friends have any problems? A lot of them have been in relationships for a few years and they aren't much older or younger than I.

I have friends very content with themselves being single. How can they be so happy and I so miserable? Why can't I be content?

Monkey

Okay.... i know i've been blogging like crazy today but...
http://www.safetycenter.navy.mil/Articles/a-m/monkeys.htm

I thought this was interesting

I want lower taxes. I don't care what it costs.

I want lower taxes because I don't like them. I don't like paying for roads, schools, hospitals, the troops I clam to support and another institutions that benefit my community. I don't want to share my hard earned money that spoil my opinions of the so called "hard" working middle and struggling lower class. I only want to benefit myself and forget about the little person. I want Big tax breaks for my large company so that I can get richer and richer and not give my employees the raises they need. I don't want any of my money to go to taxes that pay for welfare because no one in those welfare lines are decent hard working people. Even if they were their problems aren't mine.

Okay, you caught me. I was being sarcastic. Perhaps I was a little harsh even. I however don't believe this conservative idea that constantly says taxes a bad liberal thing. However it is our current conservative taxing method that is getting us into trouble. You may of heard Senator Obama calls it as the "trickle down method." That's true. My term for it is the Prince John Method and Obama is our Robin Hood.

Prince John giving high taxes to the poor. the wealth stays among the wealthy. Robin Hood is made to look like the bad guy outlaw by the beneficial rich. Accusations of being buddy's with bandits, kinda similar to accusations of being buddy's with terrorists. Prince John tried to bring the public opinions down with town crier's or negative ads if you will. Prince John doesn't even understand that his own approval rating is down.

Aside from my silly analogy, I do think the distribution of taxes needs to be considered carefully. It should be proportional. the less you make obviously you can't afford as much so you pay less. the more you make the more you pay because you can afford to. I don't know how any one can see that as unfair.

A lot of people have this Me first attitude. I thought we were supposed to help others? A lot of books, children story's, television and movies kinda hint at that don't cha think? Why is it always about taking care of yourself and stepping over the person below you because it's profitable? Don't we learn moral lessons like "money isn't everything" or "you can't buy happiness"?

Also isn't helping others more profitable in the long run then helping yourself?

Others do well. Others become your customers. You do well? The Economy does well? Doesn't that work?

I'm not afraid to say it. I'm a socialist. I think the government needs to regulate things because obviously people don't do what they should on their own. Take Wall Street for example. Though McCain denies that the bail out is a form of socialism, it is what it is. Government taking charge of an economic problem is a form of socialism. We keep claiming that our government is a Capitalist economy but that's a big fat lie. Without government regulations on business their would be all sort of corrupt nature. No minimum wage. No benefits. Even honest companies would be forced to compete. I'm not saying that we should switch to Communism because I believe in some independence.

Well I'm drifting from point to point so ill summarize. Proportional taxes=fair and boost economy. Even though Socialism shouldn't be referred to as a swear word because it can be a good thing. Yay for random tax tangents! It may not all be connected in a nice neat form but at I think my point is attainable. If this was a paper for class I would take the tame to orginize it and such but this is not for a class and I'm feeling lazy.

I'm a INFP

I've been catorgrized by this test to be Introverted, Intuititve, Feeling, and Perceiving. Apperenly I'm a dolphin. "The dolphin is used as the animal metaphore for the Idealist temperament. Although animals do not have human characteristics, we often interpret their actions in terms of human behavior. Folk lore describes the dolphin as expresive, caring, helpful, enthusiastic, and collaborative. These characteristics are also found in the Idealist temperament, making the dolphin a recognizeable image for this group." Does this sound like me?

How to give money to a begger without buying him booze/or how not to get scammed

You probably heard the notion that you shouldn't give out money to someone that is seemingly destitute (others call to these Human beings as Bums), because of the possibility that they are only going to be spending that money on alcohol or drugs later. You might of also heard of the scam artists out their that pose to be destitute with a sign saying help me then when your not looking they get in their sports car and drive off. The first is an assumption that people get for reasons I must not yet understand. Its possibly the realist point of view but I like to think of myself as an idealist. Id rather not jump to conclusions but here is my solution if your worried about such things.

First, ask them, if you feel safe and comfortable doing so, what they need the money for, if its not already displayed on their sign. One guy told me he needed to buy dippers for his son.

Second, if the need is reasonable offer to buy it for them if you don't want to give them the cash. If they insist on you giving them the money, say you don't have cash and drive off, or just drive off. If they sincerely want what they say then they should be fine with someone else buying it for them.

If they weren't panhandling and obviously are needy, if you feel safe, id buy them a sandwich with the condiments in the little packages.

My logic is this. You can't buy booze with a pack of dippers or a sandwich.

If you don't have the time to go on a separate errand then, give the asker two dollars and don't think twice. What would you rather have, someone starving because you were too suspicious or a liar that has two dollars. What could you get for two dollars other then food?

If you still don't like my ideas above but would be interested in helping your communities poor and downtrodden then do an act of community service with a trusted organization. Go with your church to a shelter and serve. Participate in Adopt a Family. Big Brothers Big Sisters.

Evin if you don't believe the people on the streets their are people with legitimate needs. It wouldn't hurt to lend a hand now and then if you can afford it. Ever here "service is its own reward"? It's true!

Go Vote

I voted today. I am very pleased with myself.

SIn Quiz

I stole this quiz some one posted on myspace. i'm posting it here because my dad has a myspace, and he doesn't know about this blog.

Wrath



Who did you last get angry with?

Derek

What is your weapon of choice?

pepper spay

Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?

no

How about of the same sex?

no

Who was the last person who got really angry at you?

I don't usualy know when people are made at me

What is your pet peeve?

when someone next to you shakes their leg

Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?

i always forget why i was mad

SLOTH

What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?

excersize

What is the latest you've ever woken up?

2 pm

Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
did you know that cindy crawford has her own line of skin car products?

GLUTTONY

What is your overpriced yummie beverage of choice?

star bucks

What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one night?

no

Do you have an issue with your weight?

yes

Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?

Spicy

LUST

How many people have you seen naked?

5

How many people have seen YOU naked?

7

Have you ever caught yourself staring at someones chest/crotch?

yes

What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender?

eyes

Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?

Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
yes. came back negative

GREED

How many credit cards do you own?

0.
What's your guilty pleasure store?

Icing


If you had $10 million, what would you do with it?

buy a car, take as many classes as i wanted, travel

Would you rather be rich, or famous?

depends on why i was famous

Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?

No

Have you ever stolen anything?
Unless you count gum,
No but ive been with a friend when they have.

PRIDE

What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?

discovered my self worth

Whats one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
IDK.

What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
write books.

Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
when i get in last place i do

Have you ever entered a contest knowing you would win?

yes, an eating contest... i'm soo ashamed

What did you do today that you're proud of?

I didn't die in a fiery car wreck.

ENVY

What item does your friend have that you want?

nice homes, relationships, understanding parents

Have you ever been cheated on?

I wouldn't know

Have you ever wished you had a different physical feature?

Yes

What trait in others do you wish you had for yourself?

An outer beauty that grabs the attention of others so that people would let me show them my inner beauty

Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?

Lust

My first finnished story

Here is a link to the first story I have ever finished writing.
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2565672/1/Mind_Freak
Please read.

Sin Log # 3

Greed: Okay a few months ago a friend of my fathers asked me to house sit and dog sit for about a week. The house is incredible! Two bedrooms, three bathrooms, a little gym, a office, thee car garage, a community pool down the road, wine every where, dish, and plasma screens just about everywhere. The dog she has is this big lovable mastiff. Yesterday she had me watch the house and dog again. This morning she offered me to be the permanent dog sitter. She's gonna pay me to! Its not much. $10 a night I sit at the house. But, she is gonna stock up on food for me, and she likes to leave me gift cards. So every so often I get to pretend I'm rich. I feel so fancy.

Sloth: I went to a concert the other night. Two of the three bands that played, I had never heard of. The bands were Wayward, Days No Different, and this guy Weston Buck. For bands I never heard of they were very good. Me and my friend Stevi had a lot of fun. The reason this is sloth is because both of us should of been doing school work.

Glutony: Who says tofu can't taste like real meat? my step mom found this fake beef and made this amazing chili from it. I had three helpings

Sin Log #2

Greed - Envy: I sometimes feel I don't get the support or love I look for in my mother. Whenever I talk to her she doesn't seem interested in what I have to say and often insists on talking about her day. After talking with my real mother I force my step mom into a conversation. I tell her everything. I even tell her things i don't really care about. I just tell her about everything that involves me. My stepmother could probably write a book. Each day when I see her around her own children I see the love she gives them and I want that for myself. I know she cares about me but i want her to love me to. I want to be able to hug her like her children hug her. I want her to be my real mom. I want a better mom than the one I have.

Sloth: I could of worked extra hours today at work like I needed to. Instead I just went home and played on the computer until I needed to go to my Big Sister Little Sister thing.

Pride: I found out yesterday that I get my braces off in seven weeks. Yay me!

Save the planet

Why don't we use stainless steel water bottles? They won't melt or disintegrate. It is better then contributing to the land fill.

Oh and to those Fiji water users... You don't need to pay so much for pure water "untouched by human hands." If you want pure water buy a tea pot. Boil water in that, poor water directly into the stainless steel and put it into the fridge for few hours. Ta da! pure water with nothing icky and it won't waist plastic. Sure the water bottles are $7-$8, but how much do you spend on plastic water bottles? Plus it will last you a lot longer.

the tea pot is also nice to have. not jut for tea. for me it is more efficiant than microwaving powder hot chocolate. if you are a cup o' noodle eater (i don't recommend) its better than sticking those Styrofoam cups in the microwave.

So save the planet. Stainless steel water bottles.

Sin log 1

Sin to some people is the pitfall of humanity. Sin to others is what makes us human.

I'm an agnostic and i don't believe in a Hell outside of fantasy. Sin is a part of my day to day routine. I feel that without it my life would be sheltered and waisted. Here I will post some of my "sins" and the "sins" of others I have seen.

Today is Sin log 1:

Pride: Every time i talk to this one girl in my EPY 101 class I feel smart. I don't want to admit that I think i'm better than her but I do. I feel that I am more mature than her, I have better comprehension than her, and i don't find her very bright. I feel ashamed of myself when i talk to her though. She has always been nice to me and was one of the first friends i've made when i started college.

Sloth: When i got home I should of printed out my Algebra Homework but instead Iwent to the computer and checked my Myspace and created a blog.

Lust: I've been hitting on this guy I have no interest in because I think he likes me. I have a guy I kinda like in my EPY 101 class but i'm scared to talk to him because I don't know what he thinks of me. His hair is awesome.

U.G.L.Y. You Ain't Got No Alibi

This is one of my essays I submitted to my English class.
Rebecca ----
-------------
English 098
09 October 2008

“U. G. L. Y. You Ain’t Got No Alibi”
Several people like to point out movies and ads with unattainable images can have a negative affect on an individual’s self esteem. In truth what also has an effect on a person’s self esteem is the group of people that surround that person every day. What ever that group’s expectance of what is beautiful can have a negative effect on someone who doesn’t meet their standards. For me, my whole life has been this struggle from what other people think of me based on my looks and how it effects me.
My father’s side family tends to be very obese. Two of his sisters struggled with their weight most of their lives. Currently my father’s weight fluctuates between a little heavy to not being able to pull his shirt over his belly all the way in result causing my step mom to secretly trade out his polos for larger sizes. Another trait from this side of the family is the “Dale Nose.” The “Dale Nose” that nearly everyone in his family has is bumpy and slightly crooked. Both of these genetic traits have been passed down to me. Along with a slow metabolism and my father’s nose I was granted one more curse when I was born. I was born with Beckwith Weidermin Syndrome, in which caused me to have a larger than normal tongue. Before braces were put into my mouth, my tongue had pushed out my jaw as I was growing up. Most of my life I had been under the impression that I was deformed and freakishly hideous whenever I looked into a mirror or when someone wanted to tell me their opinion on how I looked.
I always will remember what it was like being made fun of in school. In Elementary school sometimes the boys would pretend they didn’t see me and talk about how ugly I was. One time during my Soft more year in High School I was walking past a lunch table full of obnoxious guys. One of them shouted to me as I went past, “Hey, Rebecca!” I wouldn’t respond. “Rebecca Dale, You’re Hella Ugly.” Then they all would laugh. When something like that would happen, I would avoid my friends and hide in the library because I was ashamed of my looks and someone had just pointed out the whole school my shame.
I used to wear a lot of my mothers old clothes in a sort of ‘hand me down’ fashion. My mother often lent me her purple windbreaker that had several unnecessary buttons all over it. One day walking threw a hallway I passed a group of friends. One of them shouted out to me, “Hey, you pretending you’re a pilot?” every one else laughed because they thought his joke was hilarious. One girl thought my clothes were bad enough to pull me aside and tell me I needed a make over.
My mother is constantly trying to dye her hair blonde to look exactly as it did thirty years ago. After so many years of treatment, the coloring has made my mothers hair brittle and dry. For some reason the dye doesn’t even sink into her roots any more so they still remain out for every one to see. I try to tell my mother it would probably be better for her if she dyed her hair to her natural brunet color. She shakes her head no and tells me that she doesn’t want to have ugly brown hair. I get my brown hair from my mother but she doesn’t understand that she makes me feel terrible when she says things like that. She has a lot of terrible things to say about her own looks, yet a lot of those looks she has passed down to me.
Their had even been some times in my life where I had tried to meet the standards to be considered normal looking. But, with trying to change my appearance I had caused all new problems. I would change my clothes to what other people had told me to wear, and then I would feel like I was trying too hard. I would skip meals only to eat three times as much when I did eat. I tried a ridiculous number of different things but nothing made me happy.
Sometimes I still can’t get over my insecurities about my own body image. I have a fear of when I talk to someone I’m being judged. I worry that they think I’m weird because of my clothes, or because it doesn’t look like I take care of myself. I never felt comfortable wearing make up but I take care of my skin. I don’t spend a lot of time on making my hair look nice but I buy vitamin shampoos that make my hair healthy. Although I know I do take care of myself I always assume that the person I speak to must feel superior to me. What is even worse is that I allow myself to feel inferior to that person.
Now I have braces that have slowly fixed my jaw, I try pick out clothes that I like without caring what other people think of what I wear, and I try to eat healthy. I have friends that support me and goals that don’t involve becoming beautiful. Being ugly is no longer important.
One’s Self esteem can be driven down by the negative opinions of those around them. Even though they still have their own power to feel however one can feel it’s hard to avoid the need for acceptance from others. For me it’s still a hard struggle, but my struggle now doesn’t reside in trying to make myself look better. My struggle now is to make myself live without the fear of the world thinking that I am ugly. I have learned that not everyone is evaluating me based on my looks and that if someone goes out of their way to make me feel bad about myself it certainly doesn’t mean they are better then me. I know they aren’t.